Sigh!!

The leaves are beginning to change here and I can see the reds and yellows inchng up the leaves today. I love watching the leaves turn its like the last cheer of the foot ball game when its finally over. What I dont like is the silence after the last cheer ends and thats where I am right now in my feelings. Im waiting to see the leaves change and be bright and beautiful and then they slowly dim into the dark brown ugly crusty crunchy leaves and fall to the ground to be stepped on. Thats kinda how I feel lately. I feel stepped on. I cant seem to find that middle ground where things may not be fantastick but at least they arent totally blah. I feel totally blah and really dont know why except that it happens every year at this time. I feel the impending doom feeling comming for me and I cant stop it . I feel sad and worried and scared and very very small. I feel anxious and nervous and part of that is because I quit using anything to help me feel better because self medicating is addictive and illegal in some instances and it really in the long run isnt going to change a thing except that before I crashed I felt great for a while. i have therapy with Anna later this evening. maybe she can help me make sense of the feelings........but more than likely she will just ask me questions that I cant answer and add to the ones already piled beneith my tree of changing color leaves.

Ok Step One Completed

Ok, so im just back from my session with Anna. I have to admit I was nervous because of not having been there in months and also the content of  our discssion about why I wanted to resume councelling sessions was a bit hard . Once I finally was able to say what I needed  from the sessions and the help I felt I would need to get to the place I want to be in my mental health, I was less nervous.
She seemed ginuine in her happiness to see me again and really was warm and welcoming  to me. We talked about my issues with addiction and we talked about what had gone on with me between the last sessions and, today. I am glad that the option was open for me to resume seeing her because finding a new therapist is just not something I want to have to do again. It's hard to build that theraputic relationship and trust  is a huge issue for me and I honestly feel I can trust Anna, again more quickly than having to build another  working relationship and trust with someone new.
I also did something nice for myself today. I colored my hair. Ive been wanting to get it back to my natural dark brown, almost black color for a while now but haven't felt I had the energy to put into it so, today I did it. It needs to fade just a bit to be perfect but its not bad and I dont look like a black widdow spider so I'm happy enough with it.
I have a lunch date with my mother tomorrow which I hope will go well. We had a big blow up over me going back into therapy because my money situation is tight already and my mother who is 69 and would die and go to hell before she went to see a councelor, (it is how she was raised) does not think that the money spent paying a therapist is worth it. She doesn't realize and can't realize just how critical it is for me at this time to have an outlet for the months of winter weather and the way depression  effects me in the fall and winter. she can't know the relief and therefore, she thinks its time and money wasted.  I actually raised my voice at her yesterday to get her to hush because she just kept on and on.  I just wanted to run. I felt berated and belittled andjudged and couldnt make her stop. I finally turned and headed out the door and  only then did she stop. I will not apologise to her and hell would freeze over before she would utter the words"Im sorry" but that's ok. i know why I'm doing what Im doing and I dont need her opinion to validate my reasons for doing so. I just wish that she wouldnt push to the point that it makes me want to explode all over her and really lash out. i dont do that very often over any thing with anybody  and  to do so would make me feel really disrespectful to her. I love her but we definately have issues. Im not above apologising if Im wrong and I have done more than my share of it in my life time.  This issue, is not open for discussion it is as it is  and for my own preservation it has to be this way right now.

Ive gotten nothing done in the house that I wanted to do today and time is running out before the kids get home . I better get up from here and do something constructive like laundry and supper. Domestic  work just isnt my forte'.

Scary changes

Today I am going back into therapy sessions with Anna. I am a bit anxious about that just because opening up to anyone is  taking a risk. Making myself vunerable to anyone is a risk I don't often take. I've been in too many situations in the past where opening up has hurt me in the long run and I am just not a fan of glass houses. I do however, have an issue that HAS to be taken care of and its a tough one.  I've become an addict of a drug that is now eating away at my life and my will and my choices and I have to stop the roller coaster that it has brought into my life. I say that it has to stop, but honestly I dont want it to. i want to be able to escape into the drug and become what it makes me feel like I become insude when its coursing through me. I wish  I could have an infussion pump of this stuff because I love it sooo much. It loves me too until I threaten to leave it behind and then it turns and rages at me. It causes me to shake and vomit and feel like im freezing to death. It causes my limbs to become cold and bluish and makes me feel like Im going to die . It IS not  my friend and this unholy friendship has to end. But I don't want it to. That's just being honest. It's also ruining my heart and making my blood pressure spike to unhealthy levels. Already having high blood pressure is a health problem but adding to the pressure is just asking for a heart attack.
I've already had a stroke because of this drug. The fact is I have a love/hate relationship with it and its over taking my life to the point where i dont have a life anymore. I just have an addiction. It one day will decide my fate if I do not break the ties that bind us and leave this old friend sitting somewhere in time and walk away. Im sad beyond belief. I almost grieve the loss of my feel good friend but I know its not really a friend its a candy coated monster.
Hopefully Anna, will help me through this and I wont feel too awfully embarassed to talk to her about it. I just know if I dont stop it I'm going to die and I'm not ready to meet my maker just yet.

Starting Again........

Once again I am going to try to start a blog and stick to it. I've been writing most of my life but never have I been able to blog with consistancy. Here's to one more try  I've been dealing with a pretty severe bout of depression in the last few weeks and it's really wearing me down and giving me all those thoughts that depression brings when it hits hard. Ya know, the negative self talk that makes you feel worthless and hopeless and trapped. Sometimes, I am able to rise above it and say " thats just depression talking" but other times it feels like there's no hope for me when it comes to being happy and healthy in mind, body and soul.

One thing I have learned over the 20 years I've delt with depression , it does eventually start to receed a bit and light will come through the cracks again and shine a bit of comfort and hope on me.Maybe not very fast. Not very effective at first. But that little glimps causes me to strain and try with all my might to catch just the edge of that sunlight and pull it towards me so I can once again feel alive and feel more than just pain and sadness. I'm waiting on the light to show up right now and hoping that i can catch the edge of the ray and once again walk in the land of the not so depressed for a while longer before it hits again.