Lonely in a world of billions

How is it that we can be lonely in a world with billions of people surrounding us?  I have a great life. My ex and I have been divorced 11 years and in January we reconnected and have reunited. I can't believe that it's actually working after all this time but life is better than it ever has been. I am happy! My children are grateful to have their daddy back and I am grateful for a chance to rekindle the love and find it still exists and fan the flame and find the passion even stronger. I am truly happy!

Depression is still very real in my life and loneliness looms very large before me. My heart aches to have these feeling disengage and drop off me but they don't ever go away. I cannot for the life f me understand how I can be so happy yet so lonely and empty and depressed. I really loathe depression....really.

I dream of a day when I wake up with out the dark cloud hovering over me. I dream of a day when feelings are a part of me yet don't take me over. I dream of a day when I am happy with out the BUT.....that comes after that word. I find myself wanting to scream and yet I can't find one bad thing in my life to scream about. I want to cry but without reason ....so confusing and frustrating!! I want to run away but I would miss my loves. I love my life adn yet I hate it too.....and I am lonely because??? who knows......God is still God and life is still good yet I feel like a fraud saying it because it sure doesn't FEEL good!

Life is Changing

Stuck between floors, that is how my life has seemed for many years. The elevator is moving again and it feels so exciting! I can't wait to see what floor we will stop on next. My ex- husband and I hadn't seen each other for 5 years but have been talking on the phone for the last 6 months We've been divorced 11 years.. Well, we no longer have to do that anymore, he has moved in and we are trying to become a family again. If you had told me a year ago this was going to take place I would have laughed in your face and shook my head" noway" but it's happening and my 3 boys and I couldn't be happier!  God is good all the time but boy, He really out did Himself with this one!! My boys and I have prayed for this every day for the past 11 years even when I was still angry and hurt and didn't really believe it would happen! It;s so nice to come home to someone you love at the end of a long hard day at work! I had forgotten how good it felt just to share a cup of coffee and a conversation about trivial things of the day. I had forgotten how much a card game with those you love could bring laughter and joy and a sense of belonging. I had been on auto pilot side tracked from a life with meaning and just doing what had to be done to make it to the next day. I am so grateful that we have the capacity to forgive sins of the past and to "start over" even mid game and roll the dice again knowing that no matter how the game ends we are all together and God has us in His hands leading us back to where we got sidetracked in the first place!! Life is changing in the Borders household and only God knows what the next floor will hold but I can't wait to see where it takes us!!

Time and Perspectives

It's amazing what a little bit of time and some therapy will do for a person! It's been a long time since I was here last and the ups and downs of life haven't stopped but I can honestly look back and see where things are a lot better now! It's a good feeling to know I have come through the dark shadows and I'm still standing! I am enjoying life much more now and feeling more alive than I was before. I am trying to make a conscious effort to make something good of  each day and on the days I can't seem to do that I at least look for some little bit of hope that the next day will be better. I used to think"no it won't it will be the same as all the others before it but that's when I was still in the shadows and not seeing clearly. Depression is a funny thing not the haha kind of funny, but odd. It makes things seem hopeless it coulds the minds eye to any hope of a better day but once you realize it and start looking for the good even though the clouds you can find it even if its jsut a tiny shread of hope it is there for the taking...the secret is to take it and run with it and try to find it again tomorrow or even a bigger thread of hope its there you just have to believe it and look.

Update On Me and 2010 so far...

Well, here I am again feeling kind of bad for not having kept up this blog . I am going to try to do a better job. It's not like anyone's reading it but then I don't just blog/journal for others, its supposed to be for me too...

It's Feburary, and 2010 is well underway. I've not made any hard fast resolutions for this new year but I have some areas I want to improve on in my life, as well as some things i want to get rid of as far as bad  habits and some things I want to impliment into my life.

 I am still seeing Anna, for therapy every monday evening and that has really helped me make it so far through the winter.  Winter is so hard for me just because there are a lot of bad/hard memories that are from that time of the year through out my life and those come up a lot more in the winter and fall more than spring and summer. Also the fact that  winter is a time when life is slower paced and  we are forced to be indoors and less active in the winter gives me more idle time and that is not a good thing for me.  Idle time brings memories and time to ponder them and depression sets in even stronger in the winter .  Surfice it to say, I really hate winter and wish that Spring was here already.  With Anna's help, I've made it so far but to be honest, its really an uphill battle and it's grueling emotionally and physically for me.

We have had so much snow that I've been doing therapy by phone sessions instead of office visits.   Although those are a great alternative, I really do miss the office visits because I feel freer to talk since my kids are usually lurking around in the house and distractions are more apt over the phone than in one, on one  in office sessions with no kids around and very little outside distractions.

I'm currently looking for a new place to live  and I really do not enjoy house hunting. We need to move ASAP because of  structural problems with this house and its mega  frustrating to try to find just the right place for a  family with ADHD kids.   Believe me apartment living isnt possible with the amount of activity in this house!! With two severe level ADHD kids it's just never quiet until they are  asleep and that won't do in apartment living.  I want to find a house or trailer out on a lot that isn't in a neighborhood One  that has woods near by that the kids can explore  with  space for them to run and play with out neighbors and restrictions on noise levels. I think I'm kidding myself thinking that the right place is going to come along..   It just hasn't been easy to find what I want and i am afraid we will have to settle and not be happy in the new place.......crossing my fingers that we won't have to settle for something we aren't comfortable living in. Home is pretty much my only safe place and I'm not looking forward to everyone having to adjust to a new place but that is temporary and will resolve eventually.  I amgetting used to a new director at work and so far that has been the easies but the one I have  been the most anxious over.  My new boss is great! She's waay younger than most of us who work there but she seems to really be enjoying the new responsabilities and really wants to have  open lines of communication with all the teachers and staff..  She seems fairly even tempered , in a good mood most of the time.  I'm not sure how much it takes to rufflle her feathers and that's not soemthing I want to find out soon either. Okay, so far I'm survuving the winter and thats a good thing right? I guess I need to find something constructive and close out this entry .It's way longer than I intended but anyway.....that's an update...........later  :O)

Sigh!!

The leaves are beginning to change here and I can see the reds and yellows inchng up the leaves today. I love watching the leaves turn its like the last cheer of the foot ball game when its finally over. What I dont like is the silence after the last cheer ends and thats where I am right now in my feelings. Im waiting to see the leaves change and be bright and beautiful and then they slowly dim into the dark brown ugly crusty crunchy leaves and fall to the ground to be stepped on. Thats kinda how I feel lately. I feel stepped on. I cant seem to find that middle ground where things may not be fantastick but at least they arent totally blah. I feel totally blah and really dont know why except that it happens every year at this time. I feel the impending doom feeling comming for me and I cant stop it . I feel sad and worried and scared and very very small. I feel anxious and nervous and part of that is because I quit using anything to help me feel better because self medicating is addictive and illegal in some instances and it really in the long run isnt going to change a thing except that before I crashed I felt great for a while. i have therapy with Anna later this evening. maybe she can help me make sense of the feelings........but more than likely she will just ask me questions that I cant answer and add to the ones already piled beneith my tree of changing color leaves.

Ok Step One Completed

Ok, so im just back from my session with Anna. I have to admit I was nervous because of not having been there in months and also the content of  our discssion about why I wanted to resume councelling sessions was a bit hard . Once I finally was able to say what I needed  from the sessions and the help I felt I would need to get to the place I want to be in my mental health, I was less nervous.
She seemed ginuine in her happiness to see me again and really was warm and welcoming  to me. We talked about my issues with addiction and we talked about what had gone on with me between the last sessions and, today. I am glad that the option was open for me to resume seeing her because finding a new therapist is just not something I want to have to do again. It's hard to build that theraputic relationship and trust  is a huge issue for me and I honestly feel I can trust Anna, again more quickly than having to build another  working relationship and trust with someone new.
I also did something nice for myself today. I colored my hair. Ive been wanting to get it back to my natural dark brown, almost black color for a while now but haven't felt I had the energy to put into it so, today I did it. It needs to fade just a bit to be perfect but its not bad and I dont look like a black widdow spider so I'm happy enough with it.
I have a lunch date with my mother tomorrow which I hope will go well. We had a big blow up over me going back into therapy because my money situation is tight already and my mother who is 69 and would die and go to hell before she went to see a councelor, (it is how she was raised) does not think that the money spent paying a therapist is worth it. She doesn't realize and can't realize just how critical it is for me at this time to have an outlet for the months of winter weather and the way depression  effects me in the fall and winter. she can't know the relief and therefore, she thinks its time and money wasted.  I actually raised my voice at her yesterday to get her to hush because she just kept on and on.  I just wanted to run. I felt berated and belittled andjudged and couldnt make her stop. I finally turned and headed out the door and  only then did she stop. I will not apologise to her and hell would freeze over before she would utter the words"Im sorry" but that's ok. i know why I'm doing what Im doing and I dont need her opinion to validate my reasons for doing so. I just wish that she wouldnt push to the point that it makes me want to explode all over her and really lash out. i dont do that very often over any thing with anybody  and  to do so would make me feel really disrespectful to her. I love her but we definately have issues. Im not above apologising if Im wrong and I have done more than my share of it in my life time.  This issue, is not open for discussion it is as it is  and for my own preservation it has to be this way right now.

Ive gotten nothing done in the house that I wanted to do today and time is running out before the kids get home . I better get up from here and do something constructive like laundry and supper. Domestic  work just isnt my forte'.

Scary changes

Today I am going back into therapy sessions with Anna. I am a bit anxious about that just because opening up to anyone is  taking a risk. Making myself vunerable to anyone is a risk I don't often take. I've been in too many situations in the past where opening up has hurt me in the long run and I am just not a fan of glass houses. I do however, have an issue that HAS to be taken care of and its a tough one.  I've become an addict of a drug that is now eating away at my life and my will and my choices and I have to stop the roller coaster that it has brought into my life. I say that it has to stop, but honestly I dont want it to. i want to be able to escape into the drug and become what it makes me feel like I become insude when its coursing through me. I wish  I could have an infussion pump of this stuff because I love it sooo much. It loves me too until I threaten to leave it behind and then it turns and rages at me. It causes me to shake and vomit and feel like im freezing to death. It causes my limbs to become cold and bluish and makes me feel like Im going to die . It IS not  my friend and this unholy friendship has to end. But I don't want it to. That's just being honest. It's also ruining my heart and making my blood pressure spike to unhealthy levels. Already having high blood pressure is a health problem but adding to the pressure is just asking for a heart attack.
I've already had a stroke because of this drug. The fact is I have a love/hate relationship with it and its over taking my life to the point where i dont have a life anymore. I just have an addiction. It one day will decide my fate if I do not break the ties that bind us and leave this old friend sitting somewhere in time and walk away. Im sad beyond belief. I almost grieve the loss of my feel good friend but I know its not really a friend its a candy coated monster.
Hopefully Anna, will help me through this and I wont feel too awfully embarassed to talk to her about it. I just know if I dont stop it I'm going to die and I'm not ready to meet my maker just yet.