Sigh!!

The leaves are beginning to change here and I can see the reds and yellows inchng up the leaves today. I love watching the leaves turn its like the last cheer of the foot ball game when its finally over. What I dont like is the silence after the last cheer ends and thats where I am right now in my feelings. Im waiting to see the leaves change and be bright and beautiful and then they slowly dim into the dark brown ugly crusty crunchy leaves and fall to the ground to be stepped on. Thats kinda how I feel lately. I feel stepped on. I cant seem to find that middle ground where things may not be fantastick but at least they arent totally blah. I feel totally blah and really dont know why except that it happens every year at this time. I feel the impending doom feeling comming for me and I cant stop it . I feel sad and worried and scared and very very small. I feel anxious and nervous and part of that is because I quit using anything to help me feel better because self medicating is addictive and illegal in some instances and it really in the long run isnt going to change a thing except that before I crashed I felt great for a while. i have therapy with Anna later this evening. maybe she can help me make sense of the feelings........but more than likely she will just ask me questions that I cant answer and add to the ones already piled beneith my tree of changing color leaves.