Southernlace My Journey Mundane Chaotic N Blessed

Monday, March 12, 2012

Lonely in a world of billions

How is it that we can be lonely in a world with billions of people surrounding us?  I have a great life. My ex and I have been divorced 11 years and in January we reconnected and have reunited. I can't believe that it's actually working after all this time but life is better than it ever has been. I am happy! My children are grateful to have their daddy back and I am grateful for a chance to rekindle the love and find it still exists and fan the flame and find the passion even stronger. I am truly happy!
Depression is still very real in my life and loneliness looms very large before me. My heart aches to have these feeling disengage and drop off me but they don't ever go away. I cannot for the life f me understand how I can be so happy yet so lonely and empty and depressed. I really loathe depression....really.
I dream of a day when I wake up with out the dark cloud hovering over me. I dream of a day when feelings are a part of me yet don't take me over. I dream of a day when I am happy with out the BUT.....that comes after that word. I find myself wanting to scream and yet I can't find one bad thing in my life to scream about. I want to cry but without reason confusing and frustrating!! I want to run away but I would miss my loves. I love my life adn yet I hate it too.....and I am lonely because??? who knows......God is still God and life is still good yet I feel like a fraud saying it because it sure doesn't FEEL good!

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Life is Changing

Stuck between floors, that is how my life has seemed for many years. The elevator is moving again and it feels so exciting! I can't wait to see what floor we will stop on next. My ex- husband and I hadn't seen each other for 5 years but have been talking on the phone for the last 6 months We've been divorced 11 years.. Well, we no longer have to do that anymore, he has moved in and we are trying to become a family again. If you had told me a year ago this was going to take place I would have laughed in your face and shook my head" noway" but it's happening and my 3 boys and I couldn't be happier!  God is good all the time but boy, He really out did Himself with this one!! My boys and I have prayed for this every day for the past 11 years even when I was still angry and hurt and didn't really believe it would happen! It;s so nice to come home to someone you love at the end of a long hard day at work! I had forgotten how good it felt just to share a cup of coffee and a conversation about trivial things of the day. I had forgotten how much a card game with those you love could bring laughter and joy and a sense of belonging. I had been on auto pilot side tracked from a life with meaning and just doing what had to be done to make it to the next day. I am so grateful that we have the capacity to forgive sins of the past and to "start over" even mid game and roll the dice again knowing that no matter how the game ends we are all together and God has us in His hands leading us back to where we got sidetracked in the first place!! Life is changing in the Borders household and only God knows what the next floor will hold but I can't wait to see where it takes us!!