Southernlace My Journey Mundane Chaotic N Blessed

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Ok Step One Completed

Ok, so im just back from my session with Anna. I have to admit I was nervous because of not having been there in months and also the content of  our discssion about why I wanted to resume councelling sessions was a bit hard . Once I finally was able to say what I needed  from the sessions and the help I felt I would need to get to the place I want to be in my mental health, I was less nervous.
She seemed ginuine in her happiness to see me again and really was warm and welcoming  to me. We talked about my issues with addiction and we talked about what had gone on with me between the last sessions and, today. I am glad that the option was open for me to resume seeing her because finding a new therapist is just not something I want to have to do again. It's hard to build that theraputic relationship and trust  is a huge issue for me and I honestly feel I can trust Anna, again more quickly than having to build another  working relationship and trust with someone new.
I also did something nice for myself today. I colored my hair. Ive been wanting to get it back to my natural dark brown, almost black color for a while now but haven't felt I had the energy to put into it so, today I did it. It needs to fade just a bit to be perfect but its not bad and I dont look like a black widdow spider so I'm happy enough with it.
I have a lunch date with my mother tomorrow which I hope will go well. We had a big blow up over me going back into therapy because my money situation is tight already and my mother who is 69 and would die and go to hell before she went to see a councelor, (it is how she was raised) does not think that the money spent paying a therapist is worth it. She doesn't realize and can't realize just how critical it is for me at this time to have an outlet for the months of winter weather and the way depression  effects me in the fall and winter. she can't know the relief and therefore, she thinks its time and money wasted.  I actually raised my voice at her yesterday to get her to hush because she just kept on and on.  I just wanted to run. I felt berated and belittled andjudged and couldnt make her stop. I finally turned and headed out the door and  only then did she stop. I will not apologise to her and hell would freeze over before she would utter the words"Im sorry" but that's ok. i know why I'm doing what Im doing and I dont need her opinion to validate my reasons for doing so. I just wish that she wouldnt push to the point that it makes me want to explode all over her and really lash out. i dont do that very often over any thing with anybody  and  to do so would make me feel really disrespectful to her. I love her but we definately have issues. Im not above apologising if Im wrong and I have done more than my share of it in my life time.  This issue, is not open for discussion it is as it is  and for my own preservation it has to be this way right now.
Ive gotten nothing done in the house that I wanted to do today and time is running out before the kids get home . I better get up from here and do something constructive like laundry and supper. Domestic  work just isnt my forte'.

Scary changes

Today I am going back into therapy sessions with Anna. I am a bit anxious about that just because opening up to anyone is  taking a risk. Making myself vunerable to anyone is a risk I don't often take. I've been in too many situations in the past where opening up has hurt me in the long run and I am just not a fan of glass houses. I do however, have an issue that HAS to be taken care of and its a tough one.  I've become an addict of a drug that is now eating away at my life and my will and my choices and I have to stop the roller coaster that it has brought into my life. I say that it has to stop, but honestly I dont want it to. i want to be able to escape into the drug and become what it makes me feel like I become insude when its coursing through me. I wish  I could have an infussion pump of this stuff because I love it sooo much. It loves me too until I threaten to leave it behind and then it turns and rages at me. It causes me to shake and vomit and feel like im freezing to death. It causes my limbs to become cold and bluish and makes me feel like Im going to die . It IS not  my friend and this unholy friendship has to end. But I don't want it to. That's just being honest. It's also ruining my heart and making my blood pressure spike to unhealthy levels. Already having high blood pressure is a health problem but adding to the pressure is just asking for a heart attack.
I've already had a stroke because of this drug. The fact is I have a love/hate relationship with it and its over taking my life to the point where i dont have a life anymore. I just have an addiction. It one day will decide my fate if I do not break the ties that bind us and leave this old friend sitting somewhere in time and walk away. Im sad beyond belief. I almost grieve the loss of my feel good friend but I know its not really a friend its a candy coated monster.
Hopefully Anna, will help me through this and I wont feel too awfully embarassed to talk to her about it. I just know if I dont stop it I'm going to die and I'm not ready to meet my maker just yet.