Southernlace My Journey Mundane Chaotic N Blessed

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Ok Step One Completed

Ok, so im just back from my session with Anna. I have to admit I was nervous because of not having been there in months and also the content of  our discssion about why I wanted to resume councelling sessions was a bit hard . Once I finally was able to say what I needed  from the sessions and the help I felt I would need to get to the place I want to be in my mental health, I was less nervous.
She seemed ginuine in her happiness to see me again and really was warm and welcoming  to me. We talked about my issues with addiction and we talked about what had gone on with me between the last sessions and, today. I am glad that the option was open for me to resume seeing her because finding a new therapist is just not something I want to have to do again. It's hard to build that theraputic relationship and trust  is a huge issue for me and I honestly feel I can trust Anna, again more quickly than having to build another  working relationship and trust with someone new.
I also did something nice for myself today. I colored my hair. Ive been wanting to get it back to my natural dark brown, almost black color for a while now but haven't felt I had the energy to put into it so, today I did it. It needs to fade just a bit to be perfect but its not bad and I dont look like a black widdow spider so I'm happy enough with it.
I have a lunch date with my mother tomorrow which I hope will go well. We had a big blow up over me going back into therapy because my money situation is tight already and my mother who is 69 and would die and go to hell before she went to see a councelor, (it is how she was raised) does not think that the money spent paying a therapist is worth it. She doesn't realize and can't realize just how critical it is for me at this time to have an outlet for the months of winter weather and the way depression  effects me in the fall and winter. she can't know the relief and therefore, she thinks its time and money wasted.  I actually raised my voice at her yesterday to get her to hush because she just kept on and on.  I just wanted to run. I felt berated and belittled andjudged and couldnt make her stop. I finally turned and headed out the door and  only then did she stop. I will not apologise to her and hell would freeze over before she would utter the words"Im sorry" but that's ok. i know why I'm doing what Im doing and I dont need her opinion to validate my reasons for doing so. I just wish that she wouldnt push to the point that it makes me want to explode all over her and really lash out. i dont do that very often over any thing with anybody  and  to do so would make me feel really disrespectful to her. I love her but we definately have issues. Im not above apologising if Im wrong and I have done more than my share of it in my life time.  This issue, is not open for discussion it is as it is  and for my own preservation it has to be this way right now.
Ive gotten nothing done in the house that I wanted to do today and time is running out before the kids get home . I better get up from here and do something constructive like laundry and supper. Domestic  work just isnt my forte'.

1 comment:

  1. Third time's a charm, I hope! Okay. There's a lot to comment on in your posts, but I'm just going to say that I'm proud of you for the steps you're taking, and am glad it's going well right now. You're on your way, girl, and I know you're not going to be stuck in this pit forever--remember Beth Moore's book! LOL! I rejoice with every step forward, and continually pray for your few backward steps! ((((('Nisey))))).
    Mom J.