Southernlace My Journey Mundane Chaotic N Blessed

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Scary changes

Today I am going back into therapy sessions with Anna. I am a bit anxious about that just because opening up to anyone is  taking a risk. Making myself vunerable to anyone is a risk I don't often take. I've been in too many situations in the past where opening up has hurt me in the long run and I am just not a fan of glass houses. I do however, have an issue that HAS to be taken care of and its a tough one.  I've become an addict of a drug that is now eating away at my life and my will and my choices and I have to stop the roller coaster that it has brought into my life. I say that it has to stop, but honestly I dont want it to. i want to be able to escape into the drug and become what it makes me feel like I become insude when its coursing through me. I wish  I could have an infussion pump of this stuff because I love it sooo much. It loves me too until I threaten to leave it behind and then it turns and rages at me. It causes me to shake and vomit and feel like im freezing to death. It causes my limbs to become cold and bluish and makes me feel like Im going to die . It IS not  my friend and this unholy friendship has to end. But I don't want it to. That's just being honest. It's also ruining my heart and making my blood pressure spike to unhealthy levels. Already having high blood pressure is a health problem but adding to the pressure is just asking for a heart attack.
I've already had a stroke because of this drug. The fact is I have a love/hate relationship with it and its over taking my life to the point where i dont have a life anymore. I just have an addiction. It one day will decide my fate if I do not break the ties that bind us and leave this old friend sitting somewhere in time and walk away. Im sad beyond belief. I almost grieve the loss of my feel good friend but I know its not really a friend its a candy coated monster.
Hopefully Anna, will help me through this and I wont feel too awfully embarassed to talk to her about it. I just know if I dont stop it I'm going to die and I'm not ready to meet my maker just yet.

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